Chosen
Ever had an extremely hard situation you've walked through? You know, the one you'd rather totally block out for the rest of your life?
I have one. It began on June 11, 2010 when my daughter was born at 1 lb 7.9 oz. It wasn't necessarily the next 80 days in the NICU that was hell. It was the flashbacks that began two years later that were my hell.
I would be lying if I said I haven't asked "what did I deserve to get this?" or "why did this happen?" I directed those questions toward God in anger - acting like He "did" something to me. I took offense to the situation and circumstance.
There is nothing wrong with asking God questions, either. He already knows the condition of our hearts and the questions we will ask before they even come to our minds. The problem comes in when we stay there -- in that angry, questioning place.
I was back there tonight...again. My husband was writing his personal statement for medical school applications and he read a sentence outloud referring to our daughter's NICU and special needs journey. I was standing in the kitchen beside him, looking toward the kitchen counter. He referenced her spinal tap for sepsis and surgery on the day she was supposed to be discharged.
Anger overtook me.
Why, again, was I remembering the phone call from Dr. Patel asking permission place a PICC line? Why, again, was I getting so angry about the unfairness of her arrival? Why, again, was I jealous of friends who can take their newborn baby home "fully baked?"
It was because I took offense -- I felt like God was "doing something to me."
Now, I've learned that sometimes these feelings of anger just creep up on me out of no where, especially if I'm tired or already emotionally spent. This time, it took me by surprise, but it shouldn't have because I've had similar memories while standing in that same spot, looking at the same angle on the counter. Dr. Patel's call over 4 years ago was one I thought he was going to tell us our daughter wasn't with us anymore. A false reality, yes, but that was my fear when receiving that very first phone call from a NICU doctor -- only the day after I was released from the hospital myself.
My husband noticed I was zoning out. I wasn't having a flashback, just an intense memory. I sat down and and he began to pull words out of me. It was then that I verbally asked him "why couldn't have I taken R home as a fully baked baby instead of a 2/3 baked baby? Why wouldn't have I had the joy of bringing home a healthy, happy baby?"
In that moment, I realized I had asked that question to God in anger, but never had really wanted to get an answer until then. And at that very moment, God put the answer into my heart.
It wasn't "done" to me. I was SELECTED for it.
CHOSEN. Purposefully.He entrusted one of His most fragile creations to me as her mother...even among an unbelieving husband at the time. God LOVED me enough to choose me for this great task. He obviously felt that I had proven faithful. And it was all for His good and perfect will -- so that my family would praise His Mighty Name. It's laid out exactly as that in Ephesians.
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. Ephesians 1:11-12
The fully-baked baby homecoming joy wasn't stolen from me. A deeper joy was given to me through the circumstances - one that I can rejoice that she even came home. A deeper, more intimate joy that only other NICU or special needs parents can understand.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
I wasn't thrown those circumstances. I was CHOSEN to walk through them. Hand-picked by God Himself. Entrusted with one of His tiniest ones. I was predestined. I was part of His plan. I was a part of Him working out everything in conformity of His will. ....so that because of my HOPE in Christ that I might give him praise and glory.
Sister, what have you been CHOSEN for?
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit – fruit that will last – and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. (John 15:16)
